And Now For Something Completely Different...

Question; is it worth wasting an hour of your short precious life, waiting in a queue for 15-30 seconds of pure joy, exhilaration and 'it's so scary it will stain your pants' excitement?

Let's find out with my out of the ordinary review on.....

I recently went here with the family and we couldn't have picked a better day for this experiment. It was the middle of the summer holidays and the weather was at boiling point. I will admit, we cheated with the first queue for tickets, as my clever mother (who had kindly treated us) had gotten Tesco's reward tickets. With these we threw back our heads and waved our way past the hot and bothered ticket buyers, into the turnstiles of joy, over the bridge of whimsy and into the park of promised fun.

I advise anyone, if you are planning on ANY day out, be it Theme Parks, London attractions....the zoo...it is a MUST to book on line. So much quicker, a lot less hassle.

Anyway, our first ride, after much umming and erring and looking at the DAMN MAP was,

Predicted queue time: 50 minuets

 

So, something this countries theme parks are slowly coming to realise is waiting to get onto the ride is the most eyeball drying, back aching, brain numbingly boring things to do. It ruins the day. When they made 'Nemesis Inferno' they obviously hadn't taken this into consideration, or they didn't care, because the best you get to look at is rocks. Rocks and occasionally people on the ride with their "I don't want to die" screams.
Eventually you see why the queue was much longer then you had once thought. They went and put a shop in the middle....WHAT? This is a good idea as you can get quite thirsty, but FOOD! More to the point why are people BUYING the food? If I had known this at the start it would have made the queueing process a lot more frightening, especially the times you are directly under the ride. But the point I'm trying to make is the queue time goes up about 30% as everyone is too polite and 'British' to go ahead of the consumers. Ridiculous. If you are one of these people who stop to buy, FOR SHAME! But after we past that line, it was pretty quick to the end.

The ride itself was just a typical roller coaster, nothing to make it stand out. The only thing I wise is that it hadn't been our first ride of the day. I forgot what loop-de-loops did to the brain and came off feeling dizzy and ill. And then, just to top off the whole experience, they put steps leading from the ride to the exit for you to roll down to collect your photo. Overall, not the best to start with but we were just getting warmed up.

 

Queue desighn: 3/10

Ride: 6/10

Predicted queue time: 70 minuets

 

There was a clue as to how long this line was going to be when the smiley line attendant handed us a pair of headphones at the start so we were able to listen to the 'retro' sounds of the t-iddy-orp park DJ's (FYI that's not what they were called). At first this seemed like a good idea, listening and dancing along to the awesome beats of Kriss Kross with 'Jump'. But after the first song, things started to grate. As you walk around, you see where people had abandoned their ear suffocators. Why do I call them that? The heat. Oh LORD the heat. This line seemed even longer for the sheer fact you were leaving parts of yourself behind as they melted into the concrete. And to make matters worse, as we turned the corner thinking the hellish ordeal was over, we curved away from the end only to go back the way we came. AHHHH! For a ride that only lasts 30 seconds, this line took the cheese, and the bored it was served on.

 

After all that, Stealth...totally worth it. Being propelled from 0-80mph in 2 seconds into a vertical climb only to come crashing down into a equally vertical plunge, is a breath taking experience, and you jump off feeling the adrenalin pumping through you, its one of the best feelings. It was my reward for almost spontaneously combusting and not throwing my earphones at those DJ's for not playing 'Let's Get Ready to Rumble'. Just wish the ride was a little longer or we got to go round twice. But then I suppose the queue time would be doubled. Best experience, worst wait.

 

Queue design: 2/10

Ride: 8/10

Predicted queue time: 50 minuets

 

I swear this wasn't as long as they said it would be. I remember when Colossus was first built and it was the biggest ride Thorpe Park had. The queue took absolutely ages. Now, because of the arrival of Saw, Nemesis Inferno, Stealth and The Swarm, no one is really interested anymore. So I would say the wait was closer to 30 minuets. Like Nemesis Inferno, there wasn't much to entertain you but there was a lot of shaded areas, so you weren't likely to get sun stroke.

 

If you must try this ride, I would suggest starting your day with it. After the new rides, this one is old and obsolete. My head banged against the headset, I was constantly pushed forward in my seat and you can feel every join in the tracks. OK, so it has its famous 10 loops. That was impressive when it first came out but now the whole experience is just a huge body ache. Boo.





Queue design: 5/10

Ride: 5/10

 

Predicted queue time: 50 minuets

 

Now this was a ride I was excited about, The Swarm. Never mind the fact that in testing the dummies came back with missing limbs, that only added to the build up. When first arriving in the area it was a crash site. There was over turned lorries, buildings blown up, even a ambulance that had been upturned and slammed into the concrete. All adding to the suspense and atmosphere of The Swarm, a roller coaster based on an alien invasion. Not only did you have lots to look at, whilst in the queue there are TV screens with news flashes, warning the thrill seekers of a crises that has hit Thorpe Park. This is what I was talking about with making a line interesting. We were so distracted, it felt as if we were at the front in no time. The look of the ride is amazing. Its as if the seats are the aliens that have swooped down and carried you on this fantastically, breath taking experience. I was worried about one bit whilst watching the other riders and that was the slow turn, upside down at the top of the slow journey to the peek of the roller coaster before you come crashing down again. All I could think was "Its going to be very embarrassing if the ride shuts down and I start crying for my mummy". It didn't make matters any better when just before queueing there was an announcement that the ride was 'working again'. Shit scared or not, I knew if I didn't do this I would regret it so after what seemed like only 10 minuets we were on...and bricking it.

 

After me and my boyfriend said 'I love you' several times out of fear, we had reached the top and on our way. Well, I have to say this ride was fantastically, amazingly, awesomely wow. I couldn't believe how smooth it was. After Colossus I was worried of a repeat performance but really this ride was graceful with the right amount of upside down, twisty bits so you didn't get too dizzy and the close encounters with the crashed plane and fire truck made it a lot more risky to put your hands in the air. I'm not one for screaming on rides but I admit I did let out a little 'woop' at the faster turns. I know you want to hear how scary this ride was but I can't do it. I wasn't scared. I was delighted and actually came off quite relaxed.

One thing that was a little disappointing was we saw there was a camera in front of our seats. When we asked if we could get a DVD of our ride, they said it was random and not everyone got one. Well they just lost themselves a sale, but I couldn't let that ruin my experience. I love this ride. A great way to end a fantastic day.

 

Queue design: 8/10

Ride: 10/10